Well, maybe I haven't lost it entirely. Although, I'm pretty sure if I had lost my mind I would think my rantings are perfectly normal and I wouldn't know I was crazy. I think all the things you think and do when you think you're in love are a form of insanity.
I mention love because I've been thinking and doing crazy things inspired by someone I think I love. Well, love is the only form of insanity that makes all the craziness fit into an acceptable format. Why is Elizabeth doing those crazy things? She must be in love. Of course. My outward actions haven't been crazy, come to think of it, because I'm not good at showing emotions. Emotions are messy and they make me uncomfortable, and who really wants to see me flip out anyway??? I have lived my whole life being subtle, hiding hurt and joy, so why advertise my private life? Why indeed, unless I want to tell someone that I love him, and my inner safeguards are throwing up walls and my inner warning bells go off.
Why the walls and bells? He has a girlfriend. And when he becomes a little personal with me I mention the girlfriend (Remember her??) and he says 'So?'. That's what kills me. My need for him, to have more of him, to get to know him better is running up against my walls and shattering with the loudness of the bells. He seems to be attracted to me, and I know I'm attracted to him. It isn't just sexual heat, but a feeling of comfort I have with him that I can tell him things (Well, apparently not that I love him...) but how I really feel about other things, things I don't tell anyone but family. He feels like family. There's a shade of moral ambiguity there that scares me a little.
Of course, I'm not the marrying kind, and seriously, I'd rather have my toenails ripped out than have someone think they can tell me what to do for the rest of my life, so I'm not in it for a committment, but I don't want to mess up someone else's relationship. Wherever you leak the world hangs a bucket (Gallagher), and the wrongs you do always catch up to you eventually. Even if they don't catch up to hurt me, I'm hurting someone else. I just can't do it. My moral compass still points due North, no matter how tempting the man. (Although there were days when it was starting to point just East of North, but I snapped out of it.)
I'm experiencing the acceptable form of crazy without any chance of finding out if he feels the same way. There are some questions that, once asked, can't be taken back.
*sigh*
2 comments:
Beth, if the two of us keep losing weight, people won't say we look like each other! You look very cute and young in your picture! I knew I missed you, but reading these reminded me of how much fun I had sitting with you at Bowne. Good grief your funny! I am very jealous of whoever sits by you at Amex. This isn't quit the same, but it will do. Also, it was fun to relive that feeling of being in love. That -early on makes you jumpy- kind of love. It is so wonderful and so awful at the same time! Good luck!
You know, I think if we both lose weight we'll look exactly alike, just thinner, eh? I miss you so much! I was thinking of the 'in love' situation and my first instinct was to call your cell phone and tell you all about
it...then it came to me, you're in freakin' India!!! Sheesh!! You couldn't just go to Idaho or something???
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